Swiss Cheese
With so much of the attention currently focused on Rome, Homocon has decided to oblige its readership with an in-depth profile of an integral part of the former pontiff's daily routine -- the fabulous Swiss Guard!
Don't ask, Don't tell indeed.
Clad in a fabric combination Martha Stewart would have killed to utilize as a slipcover for the family sofa, the Swiss Guard was originally founded as a group of tough and killer mercenaries who were hired out by the Swiss government. Massacred time and again (especially for French causes), the Swiss constitution abolished governmental mercenaries in 1874, with the sole exception being the 100 strong Swiss Guard of the Vatican, founded in 1505 by Pope Julius II, who continue on as the personal guard of the pope.
In order to qualify for such a plum and colorful assignment, applicants must fit the following standards: a Swiss citizen; a faithful Roman Catholic, and free of scandal; must have attended military school in Switzerland; be unamrried and between 19 and 30 years old; 5'8" and taller; have at least a high-school diploma.
But beyond the nerve-wracking and physically grueling task of protecting the Vatican against the hordes of barbaric tourists asking for directions to the toilet, the Swiss Guard must also be on the ready for band practice, drum and choir practice, as well as table-tennis, marches, shooting practice and courses in self-defense (undoubtedly so they can fend off the fashion police). And when the Pope is scheduled for a public appearance, the Swiss Guard shed their poofter stripes for plain clothes and join the Vatican police to form a protective human shield around the Pope, comprised of 19 to 30 year old, Northern European, unmarried men.
*sigh*
Current Vatican tailor Ety Cicioni discovered, to his dismay, that there were no patterns and no instructions for how to make the Fear and Loathing in Vatican City uniform of the Swiss Guards. All he had to go on was a finished piece.
"My wife and I took it where I had worked before and there we totally took it apart. We reconstructed this unique uniform which is made of 154 pieces. I really had to study it and spend time on it before I understood it," Ety said.
The design of the Busby Berkeley ensemble is popularly attributed to art-fag Michelangelo, but the present configuration was really designed by a commandant of the guards, who was particularly deft with a needle and thread, in 1914.
"They're not just buttoned up, and ready for show," said Msgr. Charles Burns, a church historian who spent more than 25 years as an official of the Vatican archives. "The Swiss Guard are very highly trained for any emergency . . . You won't see them slouching or hanging around smoking a cigarette like the carabinieri," he added, referring with a shrug to the Italian military police.
The original term of service in the Swiss Guard is for two years, with the option of extending it up to 25 years.